Giving Everyone The Same Gift
Giving Everyone The Same Gift - Before making your Christmas gift list, learn some basic assumptions about gifts and giving. Knowledge is power! Christmas is coming! Do you understand the unwritten rules of gift giving? Each of us carries within us certain rules regarding gifts. Rarely acknowledged and rarely discussed, these rules determine what we give, how much we give, and to whom we give.
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Giving Everyone The Same Gift
Although they live only in our minds and expectations, the unwritten rules of gift-giving govern everything from secret Santa exchanges in the office to family mornings under the Christmas tree. The problem is that "unwritten" means that the rules of gift giving are subject to interpretation - both in our own minds and in our interactions with others.
Even in one family, there are often members with completely different ideas about the "rules" of gift giving. Why is it so important to master the Christmas gift rules before making a Christmas gift list? First, if you don't understand why you give, it's easy to slip into the land of the absurd: make a midnight raid on the toy aisle at the supermarket when you discover that one child's stocking has fewer presents than his.
brothers. Second, following one version of the unwritten rules can lead to conflict with loved ones who may have a different opinion. Skim the surface of the gift controversy and you're likely to find conflicting rules. Young adults commit to giving their parents gifts that empty nesters don't need or use.
Get A Gift, Give A Gift
A certain artisan feels betrayed when a hand-crafted gift—the product of hours of labor—is unwrapped and receives a warm response from the recipient. Neither side can address real conflict unless they understand its source: the inability to share the same assumptions about the act of giving.
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A place to start? By understanding your own set of gifting rules. Focusing on the “rules” is the first step to bringing sanity and simplicity back to the season—and being clear about your own core assumptions about gift-giving can make confrontations with others easier. How do you and your family interpret the following gift giving rules?
There are no right or wrong answers: Get a gift, give a gift: Gift exchanges should be mutual. Once started, never undone: Once a gift exchange is set up, it cannot be changed. Come One, Come All: A gift exchange should involve all members of the relationship class.
It's a few days until Christmas and the doorbell is ringing. A neighbor appears and offers a nice basket of quick bread. You thank her, in a friendly manner — but your heart sinks because you didn't prepare any gifts for your neighbors this year, let alone baked goods.
Once Begun, Never Undone
caught! You have just been exposed to reciprocity: the belief that for every gift received, one must be given. As a general rule, reciprocity equals fairness, but when it comes to litigation, it can be devastating. "Likes" exchanges do not take into account differences in resources, intent, or abilities.
Your neighbor loves to bake, is good at it, and enjoys giving gifts around the neighborhood. No, but you feel compelled to answer anyway. The result: stress! Know where your comfort zone is in terms of reciprocity and prepare accordingly. If you're a fervent believer in the principle, reserve a few general "just in case" gifts for the season so you're prepared for the inevitable surprises.
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If you're more relaxed about the matter, focus on your response, not the reciprocity; the giver is likely to value the return the most. Your neighbor will leave your home beaming as you clap your hands, curse your diet and insist on trying the bread right there, along with a cup of tea and a good chat.
You're a seasoned mall shopper, and this year you've got the perfect gift for your fashion sister: a luxurious natural fiber sweater discounted at a great price. When wrapping a sweater for a family gift box, stop. Placed next to the book you're giving your brother, you're struck by the unfairness of the sweater—even though you paid the same amount for each gift.
Once Begun, Never Undone
What are you doing? Add a gift card to your brother's gift? Put away the sweater for your sister's birthday to avoid the comparison? Give gifts as they are? Welcome to the slippery world of Even-Steven! The idea that gift exchanges should be of equal value has as many heads as a bag of snakes.
If your version of the rule states that gifts must be of equal value, how do you determine what "value" is? Full retail price or actual amount spent? When it comes to homemade gifts, do you think about the cost of materials or the time spent on making them?
More importantly, how do you rate the end of your shift? Will you be disappointed if your sister's gift is more modest, less "precious" than that perfect sweater? Caution: Even-Steven calculations may be disputed during the holidays, especially if there are status or financial differences between the parties to the exchange.
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A rich aunt may cause resentment by giving lavish gifts to her nephews if the child's parents cannot afford the same or reciprocal size of hers. A well-intentioned boss can destroy office morale if she chooses an inappropriate gift for an employee: a $25 gift certificate to her favorite store, where even the toilet water starts at $40.
Come One, Come All
A family member who follows the law of averages ("I gave a big gift last year, so I'll cut back this year!") may run afoul of a loved one's wishes for equality year after year, hurting the feelings of everyone around them. . Think carefully about how you value when you give.
Using a more flexible benchmark is a powerful stress reliever, even if other members of the exchange don't share the same opinion. Understanding what you paid, what you gave, and what you got in return allows you to tap into the true values of connection and gratitude that most support the practice of giving.
The first year after you moved across the country, it was a good idea to send gift baskets of local specialties to people in your old neighborhood. Another year they sent you a box of your favorite candies. Five years later, packages are still running from coast to coast.
What are you sending this year? See how you stand with the idea of longevity when exchanging gifts. If you think that once a gift exchange is started, it should continue year after year, think twice about starting a new one. Because you value the continuity that constant exchange provides, make sure the exchange celebrates your deepest relationships—and that the other person shares your sentiment.
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